trying my sweetest
feeling fine this morning
but feeling is not the basis for what our life dictates our existence.
feeling is only surface; controller of the mind;
deceiver of the soul.
the heart cannot run on it. only on mere caffeine as a high as much as it can take you.
you start from the spirit and arise forth.
that is the only way, that is all there is.
i do not think when the record came out i needed it.
i was flying free.
i was very very much happy.
i was trying to stay with you.
we were in each other’s eyes.
i remember the first time i heard it, i was in the backseat of an SUV driving down the highway in california.
i hated it.
i didn’t understand it. it seemed dismal.
5 months later, and it is like a time capsule.
i listen and i have the emotions and feelings i had then, attached as if it were close-pinned to it.
and it is one of the hardest records to listen to in forever…
it is beautiful. and it is tragic.
it is like looking for a ghost that a seance cannot connect.
it’s like wishing for something you won’t get back.
singing in a microphone that will not turn on.
turning on a light that is broken.
restarting a car in wintertime.
i realize now what i had then was something i will never get back. i didn’t know until recently. i didn’t know how much you had swelled up inside me.
and this record, in some ways, will be the only remnant of me seeing you again.
no, it will be the only remnant. and that aches.
i miss you dreadfully.